Why I Stepped Away: An Honest Reflection

 So, I have been away from instagram - not posting constantly, not updating my page on time and rarely putting up stories. This was because I was feeling burnt out, overworked and even a little overwhelmed with everything going on and me stepping into a new decade of my life. I consciously step away from instagram every year during pride month, but this time it extended by another 3 months for me. Now, why am I even talking about this? The reason is quite simple, people assume that everyone who is posting about their achievements , accomplishments and accolades on instagram must either be very happy in life or at least have a good enough mental health - but, I am trying to show everyone the dark side of this, not to demean anyone but to show that everyone at the end of the day is a human. 

Coming back, I stepped away because posting became overwhelming, while deciding my self worth. I became a part of the rat race where everyone does things only for recognition and started to lose the passion I had for things. Posting something had become a major source of validation and started deciding my mood and more importantly had an impact on what I thought of myself. I did not seek likes or comments, but just posting something made me feel like I was actually working towards something. Posting something I had done, became something I used to look forward to, to share it with the world but it soon started feeling like an obligation, that if I did not post something then I was undoing years of work.  Days when I did not have anything to post, I honestly felt like a complete failure, even though I wasn't and was working towards something. The last 4 months have made me realise that a lot people I know who post constantly about their achievements might feel the same pressure that I did, but importantly what I realised was that even when I am not posting, I am capable of pulling of amazing things. The last few months have been among those where I was actually able to do things I like and make them big. Infact, CSM for the first time ever set up a SDG hub at the Golden Jubilee Camp of my Scout Group, I almost single handedly pulled off making a Global Village (with a lot of help for the SDG hub), presented a paper at one of the most prestigious conference, finished my Rajyapuraskar Rover camp and a lot more things without having to show it off on the internet. 

I started feeling a bit like myself again, till I went down the same spiral again. But this time, I was talking to one of my friends who reminded me why I do what I do - It is for the passion I have and not what the world thinks, it does not matter whether I am perfect or even better than others, what matters is that I try to be a better version of myself for me not for others. This hit me hard, because even though I might be over getting my self worth from a bunch of posts, the shadow of perfectionism continues to linger around me. A lot of you by now would be thinking, "Abhi, what on earth are you even trying tell?". Well, I think what I am trying to tell is, "It is okay to not be okay, and even step away if necessary". Because stepping away has helped me come back a bit, maybe not completely yet but the break has made me understand that mental health matters. It is the very base that determines your actions daily, and therefore requires more open conversation and that is why I wrote this to show to people that they aren't alone in this struggle. 

Its, mental health month, I may or may not post. But, I would like to think of this blog post as a conversation starter for others to talk about themselves. Reach out to a friend or a therapist, and if any of my friends are reading this - guys, just text or call me for godsake, i know most of you need to blow off some steam. 

P.S. - this post has absolutely no flow, i just wrote whatever I felt like so do not try and find a structure.